It's been a few weeks since Kindra and I split, this time it sounds like it may be for good. I've been shacked up with my parents for the last 2-1/2 weeks, the only place besides a homeless shelter I have to go.
I've struggled with addictions for the last 7+ years and she says that's one thing she doesn't miss about me not being around. She'll probably be pissed about me throwing my personal life out there, but I'm not looking for sympathy.
I never thought of myself being without Kindra the rest of my life. I guess I didn't show her that I loved her enough, or maybe I was just a downright rotten mother fucker to be around. A friend told me "put yourself in our shoes when we have to deal with you men and your addictions."
Okay I can do that. Can you put yourself in my shoes?
My self-worth and livelihood were robbed of me because of my accident and being a stay at home dad is stressful as hell. Maybe I should've done things a lot differently and maybe another man wouldn't be moving in on my ex (I still cant get used to that term). Now someone else is spending long lengths of time on the phone with her and asking her all the right questions that tickle her fancy.
Every time I talk to Kindra she seems to have no interest in our conversations. She gets easily upset and offended by me questioning her new life. I feel left out to dry out.
We had family day yesterday and I went over to the house and made some ribs for all of us. It was a good day and the conversations we had seemed to be making some headway but today that's a different story. I notice she changed the locks on the doors and I asked why. She said she didn't want me showing up in the middle of the night.
I guess after 7+ years she doesn't know me and I don't know her. It's been a long hard road but I've come a long way from the days of getting sloppy drunk and angry. I wouldn't do anything to hurt the woman I still love, the mother of my girls. I was hurt that she thinks I would do something to hurt her, I'm not that person anymore but its a little to late to hold out for hope. She seems to be happy without me in the picture so if it's her space she wants, then it is what I will give her. I don't want to hold her back from happiness by bringing her down with my misery.
We're splitting our time with the girls equally but it's still hard not being under the same roof with them every night. I miss tucking them in and waking up to them in the morning.
On a positive note, I've got a lot of writing done....the old school way with a pen and notebooks. Sometimes beauty comes from pain. I miss being a family, I miss Kindra, I miss life as it was. I'm not interested in dating or even looking. My main focus is the two ladies who still love me unconditionally. I'm giving all my love to the girls who won my heart, they are only 4 and 6 years old but it's a real fine way to start.
This has been the hardest thing I've had to do over the past 7 years but I know somehow I'll get through this.
So I'm out of here to work up a case of carpal tunnel with my notebooks. Maybe this was the eye-opener I needed but I didn't expect it to happen this way.
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Mike, we've been friends for many, many years now and I feel like I can be straight forward and honest with you. I can't say I know what you went through with regard to your accident but at what point does your actions become your responsbility and no longer blamed on your accident? Life is what you make of it. You can't let a tragedy determine who you are or the type of person you will become. Only you can do that. You came out of your accident having an addiction, I get that. However, after many years of Kindra telling you she's had enough, that she was tired of it and that one day your relationship will end as a result, why wouldn't you do everything in your power to get help?
ReplyDeleteI don't understand addiction, as I've never been addicted to anything, but I can tell you that I would 100%, without a doubt, be able to kick whatever habit I had if it was at the sacrifice of losing my family. And if I couldn't have done it on my own, I would have done whatever it took to make sure I got the help I needed so that it never got to that point. I never thought in a million years you would have allowed a pill to come in between you and your happiness...I always thought you were a much stronger person than that. I truly hope you see this as an eye opening experience and instead of wasting your life on your addiction Mike, live it. We're all here for you and rooting for you but we can only do so much. You have to want it for yourself. I'm not saying that you still don't have emotional or even physical pain from that horrible day, which unfortunately I'm sure will stay with you until the day you die but there has to come a day when you say "no more excuses".
I'm not siding with Kindra, I'm not siding with you, as you are both good friends of mine, but as I told you before, I feel for her, I really do. As I said previously, not sure what an addict goes through having the addiction but for someone living with an addict, I can tell you first hand it's extremely sad and lonely. It's a vicious cycle that never seems to end. To be truthful, it down right out sucks...
I hope you're not upset with me, I'm only speaking from the heart.
Your friend,
Renee
I know that this all comes back on me, it's always Mike's fault. Sure I've had some downfalls in the past but I've overcome them like I will this. And no A PILL didn't come between me and my family. That was just an excuse for her to boot me out of the house so she could chat with her overly friendly friend who she kisses. I have female friends but I dont kiss them.
ReplyDeleteJust like the whole drinking thing, I got help with that and got better. I am going to quit taking all my pills except for the blood pressure meds then we'll see how many faults I still have then.
She says I say one thing and do another. I don't, my intentions are all the same. Feel for her, there's always two sides to a story.
I've been around too long and have seen way too much Mike. It's not stories I've heard, it's the actual things I've seen with my own two eyes. I'm not an idiot and I can certainly put two and two together.
ReplyDeleteYou can preach it to someone that doesn't know your situation but not me nor none of your other friends that know you as well as I. And it's not just me that feels this way. If you ever get up the courage to have a heart to heart with any of your other close friends, you should ask them how they really feel about your addiction. I think you would be surprised about what they have to say. I'll leave it at that.
As far as Kindra's "friend" as you call it. Not sure what is going on there nor do I care but if there is more than a friendship there, the only thing I can say is if you were treating her the way she expected to be treated, perhaps she wouldn't have had a reason to look elsewhere for the attention that she so desparately desired from you. That goes along with the loneliness living with an addict I was talking about in my first comment.
Again, I hope my honesty doesn't ruin anything between us. As I've said before, I've got mad love for you and I would do anything for you. I hope you guys are able to work things out, if not, I wish nothing but the best for each of you in your individual lives. You both are great people and I think you have alot of great qualities, you just have to prioritize your life. Determine what is and what is not important. In with the good and out with the bad...
No hard feelings Renee, youre right maybe had I given her the attention she desired she wouldnt have looked elsewhere. I am sorry that this got blown way out of proportion and shes neen hurt ny all the uneccesary name calling. I didn't want things to end like this but now they are thanks to the wake affect of this blog post. All I can do now is move forward with my healing and be a positive role model for my girls.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that Kindra had to go through what she went through earlier because I know she's hurt now. Out with the bad and in with the good...
Now I'm going to live off the interwebs for a long while
ReplyDeleteOff the grid would be a better statement
ReplyDelete