Happy Birthday Gabrielle

Today's my daughter's birthday, she's 5 to be exact. Last Tuesday we attended a kindergarten round-up to get her ready for the fall. Unbeknownst to mom and I that is was a "parent's only meeting." I picked the girls up from head-start school and the first thing Gabrielle says to me while buckling herself into her booster seat was "daddy I am so happy cuz today I am going to kindergarten!" I explained to her it was just a meeting but her happiness I shared. I am just as excited as she is about her starting school because she is very smart. On Saturday we had Gabby's party ahead of her actual birthday. Family and friends attended and it was nice. Gabby made out like a bandit on gifts; most of which were clothes, puzzles, lots of school "stuff". Gabby is so ready to be a big kindergartner. We got her lots of learning books to get her ready, reading and writing before she starts the big K in the fall. She is very excited about learning to write and is starting to spell things on her own. This morning at the grocery store as we waited in the car for mom to get cupcakes for school, Gabby spelled out the words "Kroger" and "food". Both signs on the store. Now we are working on familiarizing her with the letters and phonics. Every night we have been doing her little writing tablets and reading her new beginner's books. The books contain two short stories, then asks questions about the story. When she first picked up the pencil more than a year ago now, what seems like just yesterday, I asked her "wouldn't it be nice to learn how to write stories to share with your friends?" She got the biggest look of amazement and when she finally came to she said "daddy, I want to write stories too." That was a year ago and she is on her way to reading and writing. Both of which will put her way ahead of her classmates. Around this last Valentine's day I started to write them their own fairytale and got into it pretty far. I read it to Gabby and Olivia, and both were mystified over the fact that daddy had wrote it. They were very excited. I told them "picture this in your head as I read….." They used their imaginations as I read and both were indulged to the characters. The characters which mom and dad were the starring roles. Kids are creative sponges. I am grateful that I can show them one outlet where their minds can run free. © Mike McDonnell 2009

The Foil Hat

Yesterday was Easter and my mom always hosts dinner that evening for the whole family. It's awesome. I get to see my family, eat great food, and indulge in really fattening deserts. During these holiday gatherings we get to catch up on gossip and such as well as meet my cousin's new boyfriend. I had heard the day before at Gabby's birthday party that her new man is an FBI agent. "Well ain't that fucking great. He's not welcome in my house." I joked seriously with family and friends. I related all my bad experiences with law enforcement to her boyfriend. I sure as hell won't be inviting the man in my house for any reason, no matter who he might be dating. I hate all badges equally, I don’t discriminate various organizations. So there we were at Easter dinner and the whole family is already in the "know" about my thoughts on a certain cousin's new beau. I walked into the kitchen and I could feel the tension in the air. My sixth sense felt that my joke was out of the bag and everybody knew but him. Maybe he knew, but I politely greeted myself and shook his hand. He looks like a mountain man with a full thick beard. I grabbed my little cousin and asked if he wanted to go smoke. He knew that was the cue to make our move to the front of the house away from the patio outside the kitchen. Don't want to be burning a grape blunt in front of the man's plain view. Me and WAP burned half the blunt and went in to get our grub on…stoned out of our minds. I made a big plate of food and went downstairs to the other dining area to keep an eye on my shitlins. Of course my mom comes down and mere remarks how red my eyes are. "Have you been smoking that stuff?" "No way….it's my allergies" I said all giggly as I stuffed ham into my mouth trying not to choke on my own jokes. I sat there with my mom and my aunt and my mom assures me that he only does aerial surveillance. "Well that's nice. He could be flying a little plane or helicopter over my pad and taking hi-def x-rays of what's going on in my crib!" Never trust the man and all his expendable technology being an FBI agent. I made my way outside for my after dinner ciggy and got to hear all about my cousin's Wii Bowling injury. He had his bowling shoes on in his living room and when as he stepped into his snap, his bowling shoe caught an even floor board. He twisted his knee and has been hobbling around since. He said he's got to get a knee brace before this weekend big game…the final game of his Wii Bowling season. "I've got a 200 average!" Now that I was on a roll making jokes about his bowling injury, he focused the conversation on our cousin's new man. I filled him in on just what kind of work he does for the FBI. We laughed as I told Josh that he'll be flying over his pad taking hi-def x-rays too. "You know how it is with technology. I hate to be kickin it in my crib with a tinfoil hat so the man can't steal my thoughts on one of his fly-bys." I told Josh to get some Icy Hot and an brace for his big game next weekend. "Don't worry about the hats, I got us covered with some heavy duty foil and I'll make some for us." © Mike McDonnell 2009

FUNNY FAT GUYS GET THE GIRLS

In the news today...Women find funny men attractive. Really? I'm sure money was wasted on some study to prove this fact. I'm proof that funny fat guys can get gorgeous women. While some men spend hours in the gym trying to maintain a healthy image, I'm busy eating chocolate/peanutbutter Easter eggs and making new jokes.It's all about image. While you talk about how many muscles you have on your dick, I'll talk about the pack of hotdogs on the back of my neck and how I should be grunting in the gym with you. It's all good. To each his own. Last night I had some of the greatest sex and my milk duds are still twitching. The trick to those 30-0's men, dining at the Y. I've got this porn dvd we were watching one night and I couldnt help but laugh.The ever so muscular guy had his face resting on the side of porno girl's leg and he looked like he was a frog trying to catch flies. It was like an x-rated version of Fear Factor and he was eating a rancid can of tuna. The pleasure of dvd porn ~ you cant smell that nasty snatchbox he was munching on like a novice.Back to being funny...Why would women want to date a man who is so serious about everything? Seriously, they have a pill for the uptightness. I have yet to invent the pill for funny. Two nights ago I went to the gas station to purchase my sleep aid and there was a young black woman there. She said "Oh you go ahead honey." I knew she was diggin on my sacks of cheeseburger eyes.Anywho, I set my G2 on the counter and asked for a pack of Marlboros and Nyquil. Before the smart ass could say anything I whipped out a fistfull of singles and said "hope you dont mind the singles, but you look like you could use a good night at the strip club."Hodgie wasnt amused by my remark, but the young lady standing next to me LOL'd and said "you sumthin else arent you?""I'm a diamond in the rough." I was just talkin the first bit of shit that came to mind. There were more LULz as I left the gas station. Moral of this story. There is none. "Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out." © Mike McDonnell 2009