Christmas Jews

I guess last night was a bad time to start Christmas shopping!  If finances had panned out otherwise, I would've started much earlier -- like this past July.  

Oh the crowds of people wandering aimlessly around store aisles and to top that off most of them are rude.  I wouldn't mind the rudeness so much if they threw a "Merry Christmas, now excuse the fuck out of me" at me.  I'm in the department store with Kindra and the girls, I am dripping sweat because I am dressed for being outdoors.  The crowds of people are setting off a defense mechanism in me that makes me want to ram their cart out of the way after the first "excuse me!!!!!"

I hate the phrase "happy holidays."  Sure there's two holidays crammed right next to each other but c'mon people.  Do I look Black or Jewish or Arabic??  Okay.  Maybe I throw people off when I talk ghetto, or maybe the 5 o'clock shadow has me on the terrorist watch list, or maybe it's because I usually have enough change in my pocket to give exact amounts at the register.  I don't know, but y'all know how I feel about people being politically correct and people lay the PC on thick this time of year.


I could only make it through two stores of assholes and elbows before I felt the Tourrette's starting to kick in. (I had to Google Tourette's for the spelling, I didn't want to offend any of you cocknockers)


This year Gabrielle asked for an Ipod, a Blackberry, and a laptop.  She is five.  I laughed and asked if she needed a bra too.  Kids these days.  When I was a kid we got socks, underwear, and five different sets of Legos; we were content.  But back then we weren't so excited about the gray tube socks with yellow and green stripes around the calves. 

My Christmas shopping has just begun, so today I would double the dose of anxiety meds and baby-step through the stores.

On another holiday note; a couple nights ago they had a piece on the evening news about how to correctly "tip" service people and how this year most people don't have the extra cash to leave the kind of tips they want to.  I can see tipping a waiter/waitress or someone who valet's your car or the pizza delivery guy, but tipping the Fedex or mail carrier.  (Sorry to my mail carrier friends!!)  

Tip the mail carrier, this is a new one to me.  I've offered the mailman a cold bottle of water or a cold Coke when it was blazing hot, but tipping them for Christmas?!?!  I took the advice.

I wrapped a frozen burrito in gift wrap, and on the tag came the real tip:  "Please try and drop my mail at the same time on a daily basis. Also, please keep the junk mail I am supposed get on Monday's and Wednesday's and last but not least -- watch out for the landmines in the yard."

I bought a lot of extra stamps this year with the intentions of all you mail carriers getting a raise.

The other day our puppy, a Boston Terrier, was playing with our other dog, American Bulldog, and she got so riled up that she latched on to his balls.  The Bulldog started to bleed like a stuffed pig so Kindra got a wash cloth to wipe his sack off.  He laid there on the floor, with his leg twitching, as Kindra wiped the blood away.  The more she rubbed the more the dog got excited.  She abandoned that chore when Mr. Pinky started to show himself.


I was browsing through the local drug store a while back looking for something to get rid of my foot odor.  I was really off in la la land and found myself in the "feminine hygeine" aisle.  I stopped and looked straight ahead at eye level and Eureka!!!!!!  


Summer's Eve feminine body wash.  If that can kill some funk down south, it should be like using a cannon to kill a house fly on my feet.  I took it home and scrubbed my feet with it.  Man did that shit work good.  One day Kindra was in my shower and said "what's the Summer's Eve for?!?!" in that suspecting voice.  I told her my story and erased all suspicions.  She thought it was dumb at first, I thought it was a scientific breakthrough, and when she couldn't smell the funk of my feet, she agreed it was a great idea.


Now I buy the shit in bulk at Costco.  I have no shame in going to Costco for a 12 pack of "feminine body wash".  The people in line behind me probably think the old lady has serious problems but oh well.


On work bonuses....


Back in the 90's I worked as an Ironworker for about a year or so.  I worked for a company that put up commercial metal buildings.  It's the bottom of the Ironworking trade.


98% of our jobs were outside and this particular day we were siding a building.  The siding sheets were about 60 feet in length and had to be screwed in about every 10 feet.  It was just days before Christmas and it had been blistering cold for weeks.  It was a Friday so the owner of the company decided to hand deliver our checks with our Christmas bonuses.


My coworkers told me the boss gave cash bonuses and usually a turkey or a ham.


The boss pulls up in his SUV, we all climbed down from the scaffolding and walked over to his truck.  He hops out and starts handing out the envelopes.  My coworkers and I opened our checks and each of us got a different cash bonus.  One guy got $500, another $300, another got $250 and I got $100! ! !!! !!!!!!!


I immediately started thinking "what a fucking cheap ass!"  The guy had a 40 yacht, owned his own Yacht club, his own contracting business that was booming and I got a measly 100 bucks?!?


"C'mon over here for your turkeys."  He gave all of us turkeys but when I got my bird it looked more like a Cornish hen than a turkey.  


By now I was wound up tight with the skimp check and even skimpier bird.  I stood there with check in one hand and a baby turkey in the other.  Everybody wished him a Merry Christmas.


I hastily said "Happy Hanukkah Ray!!"


"But I'm not Jewish, Mike." he said in this dumbfounded look.


"Well from the looks of this check and this turkey, you're a fuckin' Jew bastard!!!"  I slung the turkey across the frozen parking lot and went to the break trailer.


Needless to say, I got fired a week later on a Tuesday for being 5 minutes late.  The boss had my check made out already, so I was lead to believe it was planned around my Jew comment.


Merry Christmas people!


Does anyone still get Christmas bonuses?


Have your kids asked for something and you laughed?!?!


Got any other "home remedies" you want to share?