Coming back to life

It's been a few weeks since Kindra and I split, this time it sounds like it may be for good.  I've been shacked up with my parents for the last 2-1/2 weeks, the only place besides a homeless shelter I have to go.

I've struggled with addictions for the last 7+ years and she says that's one thing she doesn't miss about me not being around.  She'll probably be pissed about me throwing my personal life out there, but I'm not looking for sympathy. 

I never thought of myself being without Kindra the rest of my life.  I guess I didn't show her that I loved her enough, or maybe I was just a downright rotten mother fucker to be around.  A friend told me "put yourself in our shoes when we have to deal with you men and your addictions." 

Okay I can do that.  Can you put yourself in my shoes?

My self-worth and livelihood were robbed of me because of my accident and being a stay at home dad is stressful as hell.  Maybe I should've done things a lot differently and maybe another man wouldn't be moving in on my ex (I still cant get used to that term).  Now someone else is spending long lengths of time on the phone with her and asking her all the right questions that tickle her fancy.

Every time I talk to Kindra she seems to have no interest in our conversations.  She gets easily upset and offended by me questioning her new life.  I feel left out to dry out.

We had family day yesterday and I went over to the house and made some ribs for all of us.  It was a good day and the conversations we had seemed to be making some headway but today that's a different story.  I notice she changed the locks on the doors and I asked why.  She said she didn't want me showing up in the middle of the night. 

I guess after 7+ years she doesn't know me and I don't know her.  It's been a long hard road but I've come a long way from the days of getting sloppy drunk and angry.  I wouldn't do anything to hurt the woman I still love, the mother of my girls.  I was hurt that she thinks I would do something to hurt her, I'm not that person anymore but its a little to late to hold out for hope.  She seems to be happy without me in the picture so if it's her space she wants, then it is what I will give her.  I don't want to hold her back from happiness by bringing her down with my misery.

We're splitting our time with the girls equally but it's still hard not being under the same roof with them every night.  I miss tucking them in and waking up to them in the morning.

On a positive note, I've got a lot of writing done....the old school way with a pen and notebooks.  Sometimes beauty comes from pain.  I miss being a family, I miss Kindra, I miss life as it was.  I'm not interested in dating or even looking.  My main focus is the two ladies who still love me unconditionally.  I'm giving all my love to the girls who won my heart, they are only 4 and 6 years old but it's a real fine way to start.

This has been the hardest thing I've had to do over the past 7 years but I know somehow I'll get through this. 

So I'm out of here to work up a case of carpal tunnel with my notebooks.  Maybe this was the eye-opener I needed but I didn't expect it to happen this way.