The Foil Hat

Yesterday was Easter and my mom always hosts dinner that evening for the whole family. It's awesome. I get to see my family, eat great food, and indulge in really fattening deserts. During these holiday gatherings we get to catch up on gossip and such as well as meet my cousin's new boyfriend. I had heard the day before at Gabby's birthday party that her new man is an FBI agent. "Well ain't that fucking great. He's not welcome in my house." I joked seriously with family and friends. I related all my bad experiences with law enforcement to her boyfriend. I sure as hell won't be inviting the man in my house for any reason, no matter who he might be dating. I hate all badges equally, I don’t discriminate various organizations. So there we were at Easter dinner and the whole family is already in the "know" about my thoughts on a certain cousin's new beau. I walked into the kitchen and I could feel the tension in the air. My sixth sense felt that my joke was out of the bag and everybody knew but him. Maybe he knew, but I politely greeted myself and shook his hand. He looks like a mountain man with a full thick beard. I grabbed my little cousin and asked if he wanted to go smoke. He knew that was the cue to make our move to the front of the house away from the patio outside the kitchen. Don't want to be burning a grape blunt in front of the man's plain view. Me and WAP burned half the blunt and went in to get our grub on…stoned out of our minds. I made a big plate of food and went downstairs to the other dining area to keep an eye on my shitlins. Of course my mom comes down and mere remarks how red my eyes are. "Have you been smoking that stuff?" "No way….it's my allergies" I said all giggly as I stuffed ham into my mouth trying not to choke on my own jokes. I sat there with my mom and my aunt and my mom assures me that he only does aerial surveillance. "Well that's nice. He could be flying a little plane or helicopter over my pad and taking hi-def x-rays of what's going on in my crib!" Never trust the man and all his expendable technology being an FBI agent. I made my way outside for my after dinner ciggy and got to hear all about my cousin's Wii Bowling injury. He had his bowling shoes on in his living room and when as he stepped into his snap, his bowling shoe caught an even floor board. He twisted his knee and has been hobbling around since. He said he's got to get a knee brace before this weekend big game…the final game of his Wii Bowling season. "I've got a 200 average!" Now that I was on a roll making jokes about his bowling injury, he focused the conversation on our cousin's new man. I filled him in on just what kind of work he does for the FBI. We laughed as I told Josh that he'll be flying over his pad taking hi-def x-rays too. "You know how it is with technology. I hate to be kickin it in my crib with a tinfoil hat so the man can't steal my thoughts on one of his fly-bys." I told Josh to get some Icy Hot and an brace for his big game next weekend. "Don't worry about the hats, I got us covered with some heavy duty foil and I'll make some for us." © Mike McDonnell 2009