Let's do something gay

It was a cold Thursday night in 1999 when I was cordially invited to do some drinking and dancing with two girlfriends of mine.  Michelle and Jennifer wanted to meet up with friends from work at a bar in Ferndale. 

I was a little hesitant on going because Ferndale is known for its predominantly gay community, but what the hell; drinking and dancing had become two of my favorite pastimes in the years prior.  I agree to go with them and so I ask a friend of mine named ‘Chubs’ to come along.

Chubs was always down to ‘roll’ the night away with some E and he didn’t work at the time so he was almost obligated to go with.  He tried to weasel out with the “I’m broke” excuse but when I said “I got your back on some drinks” his attitude changed.

The four of us arrive at the club where we had to check our coats at the door.  When we walked into the building there was a long corridor with a tiny coat check room at the end. The music from beyond the double doors at the end of this corridor is deafening. We hand our coats over to the skinny, frail looking guy that has hip huggers and a cut off shirt.

I snicker at this guy’s get-up and as I open the door for the ladies I’m with and I lean over to tell Jen and Michelle what I think about the coat check guy.  I have to raise my voice to just under a yell and I say;

“That coat check guy looks like he’s flaming!”

“WHAT?!?” replied the girls.

I am half way through repeating myself when the music comes to a sudden halt and just in time for the whole bar to hear me say “….he’s flaming!”

That should’ve been hint number one.

We make our way through the double doors and into the barroom.  The bar is very low lit except for the intermittently flashing strobe.  I order a beer for Chubs and I as I scope out a possible date.

“What the fuck man? This is cockfest ‘99” I tell Chubs who most certainly agrees with me. 

By this time the girls we came with are unseen so I am guessing they must’ve found these friends from work. 

“There’s a couple hoes over there” as I point Chubs in the direction of the restrooms.

“Well I gotta take a piss before I grab another beer…”

“Yea I have to piss too.  I’ll go with ya.”  Chubs says hesitating for a moment.

At that very moment Chubs has a look of uncertainty, a look of discomfort.

We walk over towards the restroom where I noticed men coming in and out of both the men’s and women’s bathrooms.  This is where it dawns on me that I am a gay club.

This is fucking amazing, something you would never see at a heterosexual club.  So fucking A, I am going to use the women’s bathroom.

Ok for me.

Not Ok for Chubs.

I took a whiz and saddled up for more drinking.  I stand waiting for Chubs in the small little walkway that separates the two bathrooms and as he is walking out a man on his way into the restroom lightly slaps Chubs in the ass.

You would’ve thought Chubs got hit with a 6 foot long wooden paddle the way he jumped. 

Now I am really amused that we are in a gay bar and Chubs is a wanted man by men with the same plumbing.

“Holy shit!!  Did you fucking see that?!!?  That dude just slapped my ass!!  We HAVE to get the fuck outta here like right now!!”  Chubs says in a nervous and agitated voice.

“Take it easy fancy pants, we just got here and Jennifer and Michelle are not going to want to leave this soon.”  I try to explain.

We find Jen and Michelle talking with some friends at a table so Chubs and I join.

“We gotta get the fuck outta here!”  Are the first words out of Chubs’ mouth.

I am having some beers and shots and talking with the gay friends Jen and Michelle had come to meet and they were pretty cool people.  Not once that night was I ever hit on by a member of the same sex and the friendly friends explained why.

They go on to tell me about this thing called ‘gaydar’ and tell me that it is a common feature among gay people; both men and women have this.

I am intrigued by this concept and in the back of my head I am thinking about the bathroom incident just moments earlier.

Chubs is listening in on the conversation I am having with this fellow and you can see him becoming very uneasy right before he asks for the keys to the car.  I tell him “no”.

“We need all you eligible men who are looking for a date tonight to come on up!!”  Say a Rupaulesque looking man.  Well the once man I should say.

All these men make their way to the dance floor as this Rupaul plays matchmaker for the single gay men.  These were indeed the happiest bunch of people I had ever seen.

By now Chubs is repulsed by the display of groping other men on the dance floor.  He is becoming very homophobic, so I agree to let him wait in the car before we end up fighting because of his blatant use of the word ‘fag’.

As soon as he leaves, the man explaining the concept of gaydar leans to me and says “Your friend is going to be very unhappy the rest of his life by staying in the closet”.

Shocked I say “he’s not gay”.

My new friend tells me that Chubs had been setting off the internal gaydar of a few of the men at the table, so they were shocked when opted to wait in the car.  They also tell me that he must’ve set off some serious gaydar for another man to slap his booty.

“Well what about me?”  I inquire.

“We knew you were straight from the moment you walked into the club, but your friend is a different story!” 

Feeling a sigh of relief, I offer to buy the whole table a round of shots.  I had felt so joyous  that I wasn’t setting off anyone’s gaydar that I wanted to reach over and kiss this guy on the cheek, but I didn’t as I didn’t want to give anyone mixed signals.

It was a great night and Chubs only had to wait in the car for about an hour as I confidently hammed it up with my new gay friends.

I may have never went if Jen and Michelle had told me it was a gay bar and it was quite the confidence boost knowing the same sex doesn’t find you desirable;  if only Chubs could’ve had the same great experience.

Closed minds keep you in the closet one might say!!!