No Pigeons Here

It was early one cold January day like today when my phone rang.  I reach over to look and it's this chick Jennifer so I hit ignore as I had for the past couple weeks now.

It had been a week since she called and I even deleted her from my phone book, but I recognized the Cincinnati area code.

I quickly wait for the voicemail I know she'll leave, most certainly hate mail.

Finally it arrives and I call.  One new message from 513........

"I am calling to congratulate on winning the asshole of the year award.  You know I thought you were something special, an eagle.  You're nothing but a pigeon so GO SHIT ON YOURSELF!!!"

I press 9 to save the message.........

Woohoo!!!! It was only January 6th of 2001.  Such an achievement to win so early in the year!  I couldn’t wait to brag to my Boilermaker buddies that night; I knew they would be envious when I played them the message!

I had met this girl from Cincinnati through a friend we'll call John.  He said she was cool, so I agreed to meet her when she came to visit friends and family here in the 313.

I thought she was a pretty decent chick; she was a bank manager, had her own apartment, no kids and she liked to drink. 

We were kind of leading a parallel life in two different towns. 

She on one hand made great money at the bank, and liked to have fun.

Me on the other, raking in the OT as well as the cash behind it, and I was all about having fun.  

Working, Drinking, Smoking, and hanging with my boys. Fun, fun, fun!

We starting talking on the phone, which I guess kind of turned into dating.  We both worked a lot, but she agreed to come up one weekend to hang out and I told her she could stay at my apartment.

She came up, we hit the bars, and got shitfaced like a mother!  Well I was lit, but not as brightly as her.  I was a little well more seasoned but she wasn’t that far behind.  It's time to leave the bar and she's having a hard time walking and I'm not having the easiest time shuffling as we hold each other up.

We get into the car and it’s less than a mile to my apartment thankfully.  We get in the door, she says she’s gotta use the bathroom and I swan dive into the bed with coat and shoes on.

I wake up sometime right before day break and take my shoes off.  Where could this drunk be?  

She's not in the bed next to me and I've been passed out for hours.

I walk to the bathroom and open the door and there she is, curled up in a ball with her panties and nylons around her ankles, and the rug she was lying upon is soaking wet!!

I'm thinking, "HEY I just bought that Martha Stewart shit and she pissed on it".

She had obviously either passed out sitting on the toilet or fell down and passed out getting ready to use the toilet, either way I am appalled.

I tried waking her and I checked to make sure she was breathing when she didn’t wake up.

I should've severed ties then.

On another weekend she came up, my friends Steve and Sean were throwing a party at their house.  I knew better than to get too fucked up around this chick because I would be the one who had to drive. 

She's three sheets to the wind at the party and starts telling our mutual friend John's girlfriend that she (Jennifer) loves John like a brother.  She just goes off and starts blabbering some fucking fairy tale about how her parents and John's parents go way back.  John's dad lives in Atlanta and his mom in Allen Park; her parents live in Kentucky.  John's Greek woman becomes enraged by her mindless drunken fairy tale.

It's time to take this bitch home before she gets killed.

The next day I wake her up and tell her she's gotta go back to Cincinnati early.  I knew she had no recollection of her fabrication.  I was through with her; I was not into the role reversal where I was the sitter when we drank.  It's supposed to be the other way around.

There is now just 2 weeks until Christmas.  I avoid her calls all through the holidays and just when I think she has gotten the point she calls after New Years.

On the evening of January 6, 2001 I made it into work around 6:30 pm at Belle River power plant.  My buddies and I are all sitting around ready to go to work at 7 pm.

"You guys wanna hear something funny!?!?" I say with excitement as I called my voicemail.

"I am calling to ........... GO SHIT ON YOURSELF!!!"

The crew of 40 men gathered around when they heard the laughter from the guys at my table, even the foreman and the super.  I had to replay it several times in a row so everybody could hear.

It was a rather glorious and stunning achievement bestowed upon me so early in the year.  I was the envy of all my working peers!

© Mike McDonnell