Where Shall We Go Today Ladies?

That was the question of the day Tuesday morning thus past the moment my girls arrived at 9 am.  

I think it's time for a change of scenery for a few days.  I'm getting tired of looking off the balcony.  Chicago?

Gabby did her happy dance with hands in the air, like she's Pentecostal or something, then ran into her room to grab the suitcase.  
 
Olivia ran and pulled all of their Gap outfits out and they had their stuff ready before I could finish booking the trip.  Found some cheap flight tickets, and reserved a room at the W- North Lakeshore where we stayed last time.

Booked our flight and room by 11 am, packed all of our stuff then had to call their mom to break the news.  I talked with momma and she said it was cool to take them but as long as she could have them all next week.  Done deal, so thank you K-dawg!


Called my sister to give us a lift to the airport at 4pm but got off a little early to drop us off at DTW.  Ang picked us up and the girls were jacked up on adrenaline.  Angie was there last weekend and my friend Renee was there for work and her kids were there also; they are like family to us.


I love Chicago and now the girls do too.  Gabby aspires to live there but when she told the cabbie that he told her "you better go to college first pretty lady."  


I'd been to Chicago about three times while I was a Boilermaker; let's just say when I take a female companion or my ladies, I definitely stay out of trouble.  It's a nice change of pace really ya know, parenthood and responsibility.  


Three common phrases the girls and I have heard in our travels to Chicago:

You are the two prettiest girls!
Just you and daddy in Chicago? Lucky girls, brave dad!
Look at that pretty girl dad! ! ! (Olivia at the top of her lungs, usually at crosswalks)

So while there we did lots of shopping for dad at the Gap, of course the girls too.  Then over to the American Girl money pit so they could get outfits that match their dolls.  Gabby got the sweats and tank, Olivia got the bathing suit of course.  I also bought my friend Amanda the American Girl doll she wanted; Fedex'd that doll Thursday and she got it Friday.  She's going to put it on her mantle above the fireplace!  I better get a professional print of that one lady!


Wednesday they had fireworks right near Navy Pier so we swam in the pool then watched the fireworks on the balcony adjacent to the pool.  We had went to Millennium Park earlier and they played in the waterfall while I did some bird watching.  There's lots of pigeons in Chicago.  Needless to say, there was no arguing with dad about getting ready for bed and as soon as their head hit the pillows they were out.  Oh and we went to the Field Museum to take pictures of make-believe dinosaurs.


Thursday we went out and did some more shopping.  Dad wanted a Guess watch but Guess what?  I wasn't paying $450 for a Guess watch.  So back to the Gap because the girls were wearing their last pairs of socks so of course I had to buy some more clothes.


Got back to the room and tried my clothes on and Olivia told me "you look handsome daddy."  We had made dinner plans that evening with our friend Renee, her friend Lori and the whole gang of banshees at the Cheesecake Factory.  Since I was with the cheesecake queen I opted not to try their garbage for dessert.


After dinner we all went back to our hotel so the kids could swim, let the kids blow off some steam before bed.  That did the trick that night.


Friday was check-out and I ended up sleeping in until 10:30am because my phone died overnight and I missed the alarm, so I we had to scramble and shove 100lbs of shit into two 40lb bags and a backpack.  It worked!  We checked out and headed over to Renee's hotel to drop off our luggage before lunch and the Aquarium with her and the whole crew. 


It was a little cooler Friday (101) than it was Thursday (110).  We had a quick bite to eat, jumped a cab and hit the aquarium where we watched 4D Happy Feet and a dolphin show.  We spent a good couple hours there browsing all the fishies. We say this king crab that would've been mighty tasty in my kitchen!  If I could've only stole that and the ginormous lobster without getting caught I would've.  


After the aquarium Renee's friend had to leave to visit family right outside Chicago so we took the kids to eat at a little English Pub called Elephant's (something but I forgot!).  The food was pretty good, had great conversation with Renee about the restaurant business.  We both detect large quantaties of win between her husband's and my barbecue and cooking skill in general.


See ladies, when us men have to play the stay at home dad role we learn a thing or two about cooking; unless of course you got a man with no passions or ambitions.


The girls wanted me to sign up for Master Chef but I said give me until next season so I can at least take a crash course in culinary arts.  

Side Note:


Speaking of cook-offs, the TDRR/LoveTheBeaver team didn't place with our food we were still voted "Event's Favorite Sponsor."  My team: Kristine, Zoe, Jim, Angie all kicked ass that day.  We went into the competition green as hell not knowing what to expect but we made do with what we had and we got some real positive feedback on the food: Yankee seafood gumbo, seafood cornbread and sweet potato crunch.


We got invited to a chili cook-off later this month by a councilwoman who loved my food the best!  She said we missed the barbecue cook-off they host in Wyandotte but she said there's always next year.  Met the mayor of Taylor, both he and his wife loved the food because it was different.  I told him my plans to open a restaurant and he told me to call him if I decide to look at real estate in Taylor.


So now the word is out that I have a team that can cook!  Kudos to us! 


Back to the story:


After dinner I had to stop and get me some official White Sox jersey and hat.  I wanted to make it out of Chicago alive because the Sox were losing to the Tigers when I made the purchase.  I got the only jersey without a name or number so that means I'm going to have my own name and number embroidered on the jersey.


We parted ways with Renee and the family and took a cab to O'hare.  Fucking cabbie took the longest route possible.  We got to the airport, checked in and the TSA line was a mile and a half long.  And to top that off the flight was delayed 45 minutes.  Luckily the lady checking tickets sent me to the special line because I had kids with me.  WIN!


Our plane arrived right on their scheduled lateness.  Fuck Spirit Airlines.  We got on the plane and I sat by the window and Olivia sat in the middle.  Before the plane took off I was already snoozing.  Olivia woke me up and told me that she made friends with the pretty lady sitting in front of us, conveniently. The lady complimented how cute she was telling her all my secrets.  


That girl is just like her mom at times!  Too bad the lady was married and I smelled like a zoo animal from sweating and the wore off deodorant.  We went to baggage claim where we waited forever then bounced upstairs to catch a Metro Car home.  The girls fell asleep in my lap as soon as we hit the a/c in the car.

I had the driver drop my ladies off at their mom's and then I went back to the crib to dump off all of our luggage.  I had a bunch of friends waiting to see me at Le Cigar, made it just before last call.  My buddy Naj, Bazzi, his wife and brother, my friend Lisa whose boyfriend hates me to death when I'm around.  Sorry if your girl professes how much she likes me in front of you.  Trust me, it's an awkward situation shaking the hand of a man that hates you.  Got to see my friend Cilla  who I helped get a job there.  The aforementioned people are really genuine people.  We get silly as hell when we all get together, always guaranteed laughs!


The whole point of the trip was to talk to my girls about life: my goals, what they'd like to be when they grow up, the restaurant business, and the topic of dad having a girlfriend.  I guess you could say we bonded while having a REAL TALK session.  I had their full attention while we talked.


The girls are ambitious about getting our own house and the restaurant business, but the subject of me having a serious girlfriend didn't fly so well with Gabby: her eyes started to well up.  I reassured her that I'm ready to settle down and share our lives with someone we all love.  I told her I only want to get married once and that I am happy with my life, with them and all the time we share together.  And I told them that I don't need a constant girlfriend to make me feel good about myself, but told both girls I am content with the way things are now.  Gabrielle didn't cry but instead gave me a big hug, kiss and an "I love you daddy!" 


If there's one thing money can't buy: it is time.  I'm not going to be that dad who regrets not spending as much time with them as I can.  They are my motivation to be a better father and a better person.


I've been blessed with the means to show them different changes of scenery but my love comes from the heart and not my checkbook.  They are a tad spoiled but they are grateful and that gives me the best feeling ever.


 

Thank You All For Making My Dreams Come True

No more wasting time, life is finally moving in the direction I had been planning for years.  No longer am I bound by chains from my past.  Remember that old saying "you spend your 30's cleaning up what you did in your 20's?"  That's me!

Thanks to worker's comp for making my life a living hell for the last 8 something years.  Their plan is to keep you on long enough until you're dragged down to the very direst of straits that you want to kill yourself.  Been there and it was a place that was very hard to get out of.....they (workers comp) like to string you along for as long as they possibly can.  Utter bullshit the government needs to intervene with.  

I've been to court several times in my life, its a nice change of pace when you start winning all of the good fights.  And anyone that threatens me, my daughters, or my ex will be dealt with swiftly in court.  Homie don't play when it comes to family.

What I really want to say is:

Thank you to all who have stood by me in the darkest of hours of my life and continue to still believe in what I am trying to accomplish in life.  I am finally living my dreams!

The End of an 8-1/2 Year Chapter

For 8-1/2 years my life has been a living hell for the most part: dealing with a fucking insurance company over petty bullshit.

Okay?  How do you fake 13 surgeries?  And every other ailment under the sun as a result of being burnt 40% to death in the last 8-1/2 years?


I settled for the amount of money a Boilermaker (former career) can make in a little over two years.  That was my compensation for the last 8-1/2.

But hey, no better time to take the money and run than now.  The economy sucketh the big one and I've had 8-1/2 years to plan for the future and what I want to do with my life when I had the means to become an integral part of society.

Where did the motivation come from?  A number of events in the past few years but mainly in the last seven months.  I had gotten out of  a relationship which produced two beautiful girls.  I had no other choice but to stay with my parents.


So there I was with no car, license, and no money.  I struggled with addiction to prescription muscle relaxers for the last 8 years and it has ruined my life, love, and friendships.  But no more.


Last month my dad said I should find a place to live so I started searching.  Renting a home within walking distance from my daughters' school was astronomical, that didn't even include all the utilities.  A 4 bedroom home with a boiler system scared the fuck out of me with the heating cost.


That's when I called a friend to ask about an apartment she lived right near the school, she gave the number to the leasing agent.  That was a better deal but the view sucked!


I figured it was just time to get my fucking money from comp and enough of the bullshit of scraping by.  I called my lawyer and started the process.  That was on January 20th and it's taken until this week to get the case closed.

The first loft apartment I checked out before I decided to get off comp had a second location right down the street. Once the process of closing my case started rolling I decided to look at a two bed, two bath loft at the other place.  That was February 8th, and I put the security on it the next day (which I had to borrow of course).


So one week from today my life will be the total opposite of what it has been for the last 8-1/2 years.  Me and my girls will have a place to call home, and I'll be able to have a little privacy.  Living with your parents at 34 is a fucking nightmare.


I'll will finally be able to have a place to write without anyone to distract me (while kids are in school).  Since you cant have a barbecue grill in an apartment, even with a balcony, I guess I'll have to hone my other cooking skills in the kitchen.


So I'd like to thank the ex for kicking me out and to my parents who nit-pick everything: you were the motivation I needed to get the fuck on with life.


Remember those three things I told you I was passionate about: family, cooking, and writing?  And you said it was all "great ideas, you're full of them but never go through with them."  


That's where I've closed that chapter in my life, the last 8-1/2 years.  That's where my pipe dream ends and living the dream with my daughters begins.


You'll see.

Coming back to life

It's been a few weeks since Kindra and I split, this time it sounds like it may be for good.  I've been shacked up with my parents for the last 2-1/2 weeks, the only place besides a homeless shelter I have to go.

I've struggled with addictions for the last 7+ years and she says that's one thing she doesn't miss about me not being around.  She'll probably be pissed about me throwing my personal life out there, but I'm not looking for sympathy. 

I never thought of myself being without Kindra the rest of my life.  I guess I didn't show her that I loved her enough, or maybe I was just a downright rotten mother fucker to be around.  A friend told me "put yourself in our shoes when we have to deal with you men and your addictions." 

Okay I can do that.  Can you put yourself in my shoes?

My self-worth and livelihood were robbed of me because of my accident and being a stay at home dad is stressful as hell.  Maybe I should've done things a lot differently and maybe another man wouldn't be moving in on my ex (I still cant get used to that term).  Now someone else is spending long lengths of time on the phone with her and asking her all the right questions that tickle her fancy.

Every time I talk to Kindra she seems to have no interest in our conversations.  She gets easily upset and offended by me questioning her new life.  I feel left out to dry out.

We had family day yesterday and I went over to the house and made some ribs for all of us.  It was a good day and the conversations we had seemed to be making some headway but today that's a different story.  I notice she changed the locks on the doors and I asked why.  She said she didn't want me showing up in the middle of the night. 

I guess after 7+ years she doesn't know me and I don't know her.  It's been a long hard road but I've come a long way from the days of getting sloppy drunk and angry.  I wouldn't do anything to hurt the woman I still love, the mother of my girls.  I was hurt that she thinks I would do something to hurt her, I'm not that person anymore but its a little to late to hold out for hope.  She seems to be happy without me in the picture so if it's her space she wants, then it is what I will give her.  I don't want to hold her back from happiness by bringing her down with my misery.

We're splitting our time with the girls equally but it's still hard not being under the same roof with them every night.  I miss tucking them in and waking up to them in the morning.

On a positive note, I've got a lot of writing done....the old school way with a pen and notebooks.  Sometimes beauty comes from pain.  I miss being a family, I miss Kindra, I miss life as it was.  I'm not interested in dating or even looking.  My main focus is the two ladies who still love me unconditionally.  I'm giving all my love to the girls who won my heart, they are only 4 and 6 years old but it's a real fine way to start.

This has been the hardest thing I've had to do over the past 7 years but I know somehow I'll get through this. 

So I'm out of here to work up a case of carpal tunnel with my notebooks.  Maybe this was the eye-opener I needed but I didn't expect it to happen this way.

God cant love you more than I do...

This morning Gabrielle came downstairs to tell me she "loves me" as I got dressed.  

"I love you too honey...."  I replied.

"But dad, you can't love me more than God and I can't love you more than God."


"Bullshit Gabby."  Yes I swear around my children.  If you think it makes me any less of a parent than I already am the go piss up a rope.


I explained to her that it's fine that you love God more than me, I am "okay" with that but I will not have her thinking that God loves her more than I do. 


"Gabby, I will love you forever and always, even when I am not here on this earth you will know that I still love you.  God is not here to kiss your boo boo's.  God won't hold you when you're sad so, therefore: I love you more than God does!"


My love for my children is more than any god could give.  Their concept of a god is in it's infancy.  My love is tangible where god's is not.  God doesn't put food on the table, he doesn't tuck them in at night, he doesn't remind them how much he loves them every chance he gets.


It's hard for them to understand that, in my book, God is a thing of myth or urban legend.  I've lost some very close friends and family members over the past 6 years and if there was a god that was so loving, why didn't he cure their ails?  


It's fine if my kids want to believe in god, that's their prerogative and I'm sure it wont hurt them any, but when my kids think that god loves them more than I do......


I have a problem with that.