The House Bitch Extraordinaire

I ran across this video on Yahoo today about 'men doing more house work.'

I found it pretty funny because when a man does more housework than a woman, he's known as the 'house bitch'.

Since I don’t work and my old lady does, guess who gets stuck having to cook, clean, and then have sex at the end of the night?

None other than yours truly! The first couple years of it suck a donkey dick, but I've grown accustomed to it....being Mr. Mom.

Mom and the kids leave in the mornings by 9 am to start their days at work and school.  Of course a house bitch is up before the sun; if not you’re getting six lashes from the tongue of a mad woman.

Up in the morning usually before 6 am to make my pot of rocket fuel.  I would have an anxiety attack if for some reason I didn’t have coffee that morning or knew I would have to get dressed and run to Tim Horton's.  It's hard for someone with OCD to break routine ya know?

I have till 7-7:30 am then its time to wake everyone in the house, even the lazy bulldog, but momma bear.  Not until the heathens are dressed and I've got breakfast crammed down their throats that the momma bear comes out of hibernation.  A big stretch up a morning yawn before I am summoned for the first kiss: a good house bitch gets these kinds of perks!

Once mom and the kiddies are all off it's time for Mr. Mom's breakfast of champions.  A left hand lucky followed by a Mt. Dew is all the motivation one needs to get into laundry mode.  The shit is never ending in a household of five.

I may get a spare moment here and there to plug in the guitar and rock for a few.  That is if I don’t have an appointment somewhere or a mile long grocery list to knock out.  For a man that doesn’t work, I am the busiest mutha on the planet.

All this in an effort to get laid.  It's not like I have a BIG bonus check coming from work or some dividends rolling in on a quarterly basis that I can buy diamonds and shit with.  Nope.  I have to earn my keep.

So before the family starts pouring in like hungry wolves from a long day at work or school, this obedient house bitch will be serving dinner with a smile.  Remember....friendly service means good tip!  My tip will be dinner at the Y.

After a long hard day and the kiddies are tucked away all comfy and cozy and you can hear the dog's snoring resonate through the hardwood floors: it is only then that the obedient house bitch gets some loving from momma bear.

It’s not as bad as it sounds.  The laundry is folded and the wood floors have been cleaned with Murphy's oil soap and I get to hone my OCD skills.  I've even learned to be a gourmet kid's chef.

In my slack time, I get to fuck around on myspace, blognag, and play a tune or two on the guitar.  I even learned the soulja boy dance. Cook, clean, dance and fuck.  I even know how to brew my own beer and wine.  What more could a woman ask for?  Diamonds?  

You don’t need diamonds if you've got a good house bitch!

© Mike McDonnell 2007